You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
