so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
