this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
how drunk are you?
Several
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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