If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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