Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
