I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
