And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
