You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
