i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
