At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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