Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
