She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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