I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Randomize
