so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
