I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
