do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
