Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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