They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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