I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
