if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
