My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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