if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
