so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
