Got a toothbrush?
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm having to shit out rocks
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
