I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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