I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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