You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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