I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
