party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my sisters under your porch take her home
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
