Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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