Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
