I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
