i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
