I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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