I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
