Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
you had me at cake vodka
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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