we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
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