I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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