You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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