But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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