Only a mothe r could love this liver
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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