i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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