I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
