What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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