I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
