Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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