No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
