I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I supernannyed him into submission
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
