dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
