So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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