Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
