she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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