why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
