well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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