ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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