can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
