Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
