your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
