I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize